The "Messages" section began in round 7 1993 with this simple request regarding the unbeaten Coodabeens:
Pops - Request all Coodabeens to be drug tested.
Pops flogged Coodabeens in round 9 and introduced the first hint of antagnonism into the process in round 10:
Pops to Coodabeens - Not even your drugs could help you, Coodabeens. Did you have that test?.
That did it. With Pops getting beaten by Fokkers in round 10, Coodas came back:
Coodabeens to Pops - I had that test. Everyone passed. Looks like the bubble burst, champ. We now know the Fokkers are good for something.
And Fokkers introduced the comedy element in the same round by referring to a few of his ageing players:
Fokkers to All - Donations wanted for the Fokkers retirement fund. (Carroll, Lindner, Turley). Give generously so their children may eat.
Then in round 11 came the threats:
Coodabeens to M E Hounds - Start preparing now for the massacre of round 12.
Gekkoes to Aliens - Watch out Aliens!
Aliens won their first 2 games after taking over Amo's Allstars, and despite being 2-9, got a bit cocky in round 12:
Aliens to Fokkers - After round 18: Fokkers 6th, Aliens 5th?
Which naturally provoked a response the next week:
Fokkers to Aliens - I hear Steady Eddie is looking for a sidekick! Talent like yours shouldn't be wasted on the SFL.
In round 15 Coodabeens copped a spray over Chris Lewis being suspended for spitting:
Aliens to Coodabeens - Spitter, kicker, gouger, charger, striker. Lewis coodabeen a wrestler!
Greenville to Coodabeens - The dirty spitter should have gotten life.
In round 16 Pops upped the antagonism by being straight to the point:
Pops to Gekkoes - Bad luck loser.
Greenville decided to get poetic during the finals:
Greenville to Aliens - I may suffer from de ja vue? But I won't lose the shield to you.
Prior to season 1994 Gekkoes were contemplating a name change and got some help:
Coodabeens to Gekkoes - Maybe you should change your name to The Prancing Poofters.
Having changed name, Tigers were determined to take on everyone, or were they?
Tigers to Greenville - We are ready to take on all comers and that means you Greenville.
Aliens needed a ruckman and had approached Greenville about the availability of Scott Wynd:
Greenville to Aliens (from S Wynd) - Suck carpet.
1994 was "The Golden Age" of the Messages section. Here is a selection without any preamble:
Coodabeens to Tigers - In response to your message "Eat Mercuri's dust" - you are absolutely pathetic. Round 8 Diesel will smash Mercuri's
fucking head in. And I yours.
Aliens to Pops - OK, your team is a maggot-infested, stinking, inhuman pack of bags of pus. Get fucked.
Greenville to Pops - Yes, for about the last 27 years. (After 1 or 2 dozen cans it may be a different story).
Pops to Ass Licking Aliens - We smashed you by 22 goals. Death to who? Aliens is right, foreign to the game still even though they run it.
Pathetic effort Aliens.
Jan of Greenville to Choppers - As the only female in the SFL, I am looking forward to playing at "Hardon" Park. Let's hope you stay
competitive and don't go "soft on" Greenville Ghekos.
Coodabeens to Jan of Greenville - The only female in the SFL! Better have another look at your team.
Coodabeens to Hounds - Enjoy licking your wounds you rabid dog.
Greenville to Shoodabeens - If you have to ooze manure from your mouth don't hide behind Pops to send your pathetic message.
Pops to All - Good luck to all in the finals. That even goes for you spastics playing in the shield as well.
Pops to Coodabeens - Death to you in finals!!!
Pops to M & P Union - Long fucking season isn't it!!!
Pops to Coodabeens - Get fucked!!!.
SFL to Pops - While I can appreciate your subtle and sensitive use of vocabulary, maybe you
should tone it down a bit, fuckhead.
In round 3 Tigers taunted Aliens and then received a reply:
Tigers to Aliens - Well, are you going to make the top 3 now? What rules can you change to get off the bottom where you belong?
You better hurry up and hand over to J.B!
Aliens to Tigers - Yes; Lots; None of your fucking business.
It was round 4 and clubs had just been asked to supply the name of their home ground:
Aliens to Prancing Poofters - Why not call your home ground the Blue Oyster Bar?
Greenville to Tigers - Scotty wouldn't play for a bunch of prancing poofters - how about "Homo Park" for your home ground's name?
The following messages comprise the the longest continous exchange in history, and arguably the funniest:
Pops to M & P Union - What's M & P stand for? Misfits and poofters perhaps?
M & P Unions to Pops - After round 6 you'll call us champions, never mind what M & P stands for.
Pops to M P Scumbags - You will be lucky to be around by round 6.
M & P Union to Pops - That comment is about as sensible as you buying a certain suspended bomber.
Pops to M & P Union - On a social note, how about we have a jelly wrestling night? Apparently you could organise that.
A message at this time from Pops to Coodabeens is also relevant:
Pops to Coodabeens - Start crowing when you play a team in the 5 and beat them. The same goes to you as well M & P Union. Pops will
hammer both of you.
M & P Union to Pops - You couldn't hammer a nail, although you are leading the charge for the SFL Shield.
Pops to M & P Union - Only nails I will need to hammer is the ones in your coffin (Rd 6).
M & P Union to Pops - Round 6 at last, the boys are on a mission, you will be buried in your own graveyard. P.S - Thanks for inviting me
down to the SFL its been a pleasure.
Pops won by 4 points.
Pops to M & P Union - My pleasure. Here comes your big downfall. Rd 10 - M & P Union 6th on ladder. Its a long season M & P.
M & P Union to Pops - It was a lucky win, wait till you come to the G in round 15, and bring those Crow poofters with you.
Another lengthy sniping match involved myself as SFL supremo/Aliens owner and fellow commissioner Wes Bourke as owner of Coodabeens. Here are
some selected quotes, rather than the full messages, some of which were quite lengthy:
SFL - This idea is a pathetic attempt to cover the fact that you haven't come up with an original idea for your home ground.
Coodas - I would suggest our hard working SFL chief try to keep his coaching frustrations seperate from his SFL administrative
duties.
SFL - .. then there was that projectile vomiting you used to enjoy so much; you should see a psychiatrist... or an exorcist.
Coodas - Wouldn't that say a lot for all the rubbish below me on the ladder.
SFL - Your reference to psycho analysis implies that you have a mind - you couldn't be further from the mark.
Coodas - Must get cold down there!
SFL - You may have a mind after all, but it appears to be horribly diseased.
Coodas - Your nose may be glowing but your players are slowing.
SFL - At least I haven't sunk to your level, you snivelling, obese, hirsute, rotund amorphous coil of polecat excrement.
Season 1995 was a bit quieter than '94. There were the usual M & P Union/Pops slings:
Pops to M & P Union - Mushroom Picking maybe. Is this why your team is in such a disgraceful state.
M & P Union to Pops - the M & P Union of champions will shit on your fucken Pop hasbeens.
Pops to M & P Union - Obviously M & P doesn't stand for intelligence after that dribble you wrote.
But nothing particularly venemous from anyone. Until round 15 that is, when this extraordinary, disgusting outburst shocked the Sim community:
Tigers to Pops - Fuck off you stupid c***.
Tigers to Greenville - Stick your gekkoes up your arse c*** eyes.
So much for 1995. True to form, Pops opened the account in 1996:
Pops to M & P Union - Warning, there is a bomb planted in your new grandstand. You have 36 hours to find it.
And Snaggers endeared themselves with their very first message:
Snaggers to All - Who's got the shield, you bunch of pusheads?
There were a few good individual jibes:
Coodabeens to Snaggers - You disgusting South Australian.
Pops to Devils - You DICKHEAD!!!
Pops to Devils & Snaggers - Just remember cheats there is 8 of us and 2 of you.
Coodabeens to Pops - The straw man had no brain, the tin man had no heart, but the Pops have got no guts.
Coodabeens won the "Clever use of Messages" award in 1997 by trying to get a bill paid, and geeing themselves up:
Coodabeens to Snaggers - Where's the cheque you bastard.
Coodabeens to Coodabeens - You've got to find that bit extra. I know you've got it in ya!
Then came this interesting little exchange, which I hope was not followed-up:
Greenville to Wood Ducks & Specialists - Bugger off. Learn to crawl before you can walk with the big guys.
Specialists to Greenville - Accept my humble apologies - Can I lick your arse as well?
Greenville to Specialists - Apology accepted. Yes.
It's 1998 and, well, I don't really know what the 'Get Smart' message is supposed to mean:
Snaggers to Aliens - It's the craw not the claw!
In round 5 Specialists had a shock 114 point win over Coodabeens, at the time their biggest loss ever. Specialists decided the occasion was worthy of mention,
and Coodas, naturally enough, replied:
Specialists to Coodabeens - A shelacking of biblical proportions!!! From the perrenial under achievers.
Coodabeens to Specialists - On the lips of the intelligent is wisdom. On the lips of Specialists is shit. That's biblical!
Snaggers tried to gain the psychological edge over Tigers in the finals:
Snaggers to Tigers - I love the smell of napalm in the morning!! It's the smell of "victors".
Snaggers to Tigers - Fortune favours the brave you piece of feline shit - go Snaggers!!
Tigers beat Snaggers in the preliminary final:
Tigers to Snaggers - You cowardly arsehole. The brave came through in the end. Go Tigers.
There was harmless chit-chat in 1999 until round 6 when Pops got straight to the point, so to speak:
Pops to Snaggers - Sensitive New Age Guys Enjoying Rectal Stimulation.
Snaggers to Pops - Piss off pusshead scum.
Snaggers management had a knack of abrogating responsibility for the team's performance:
Snaggers Press Release - My players are dead-set gutless - they have no heart or desire to win anymore!!
While Greenville wanted everyone to know who was in charge:
Greenville to All - Maybe all teams who keep losing (take note Snaggers) need a woman calling the shots.
Season 2000 marked the lowpoint in Messages history, with only one exchange worth quoting. Pops welcomed newcomer Bushrangers to the league,
and the following ensued:
Pops to Bushrangers - Bushrangers - Bush pigs - all bullshit to Pops.
Bushrangers to Pops - Thanks for the warm welcome. I'll see you in round 11.
Pops to Bushrangers - Who will I see, you or your husband?
In the final season of printed messages it was fitting that Pops and M & P opened hostilities.
Pops to All - Good luck in the new season.
M & P Union to Pops - How far from the truth is that?
Pops to M & P Union - Except you, mutants and prosthetic limbs.
Easybeat Emus entered the league mid-season and soon realised that their list was not too good...
Easybeat Emus to All - My star is gone and anyone who can't beat me should give the game away.
But in the same week the message appeared, Emus won and their attitude changed entirely the next week...
Easybeat Emus to All - Here I come. And remember Emus can't run backwards.
Easybeat Emus to Pops - Hey old timer, the season finishes in September, not July!
But in the same week the message appeared, Emus won and their attitude changed entirely the next week...
At various times owners have sought to confuse their opposition with big words or mysterious meanings. Here are some:
Greenville Ghekos to Prancing Poofters - ... why don't you stop trying to vesicate your palms?
Fokkers to M & P - Doomed to sixth/We all could see/Mephitic Pygmies/Forever to be.
Aliens to Pops - Got the gophers? Yeah, I'll bet!
Coodabeens to Greenville - The score may be on the board, but you're still a zogophobic troglodyte!
Greenville to Coodabeens - Suck carpet you perfidious lentiginous grisette.
The most interesting rivalry in history to date was that between Greenville and Snaggers. The Red Lion Trophy was contested as the result of an indian
arm wrestle in a bar in Hong Kong.
Snaggers to Greenville - I really want this one. "There's a lot of feeling in this."
Greenville to Snaggers - You can't have it. There was a lot of feeling in it.
Snaggers - Not only is there feeling, but whatever you have at least I've got my sanity.
Greenville - You may have your sanity but we have the Sim Cup.
Snaggers - Remember the Red Lion Hotel, the result will be reversed (I hope).
Snaggers won the 1996 cup grand final v Greenville.
Snaggers to All - The premiers are back & here to stay.
Greenville - Back from where?
Snaggers - Back from the Red Lion bar - result reversed!!
Greenville - The Red Lion trophy never leaving Victoria, I'd like to see that.
Snaggers - Is the Red Lion trophy up for grabs?
Greenville - Of course. If you're good enough.
Snaggers - Good enough - who holds the Sim Cup you arrogant pusshead.
Snaggers won the 1997 cup grand final v Greenville. Skip to 1999 and control of Greenville has changed:
Snaggers - Is it worth playing for the Red Lion trophy or what??
Greenville - No, but a rematch must be due soon, get training.
Snaggers - No feeling in this game!
Greenville - Simulated football - simulated feeling.
Snaggers - Football is no place for a woman who obviously can't count!!!
Greenville - I can count to five... and I'm still there!
Snaggers - Better learn to count to eight before next year.
Greenville - Third time lucky? This will sort the 'men' from the 'women'.
Snaggers - Up with the Snaggers - down with the slaggers.
Greenville won the 1999 cup first semi final v Snaggers
Greenville - Winners are grinners and losers are ... well you know ...
Sadly for Message fans, Snaggers were relinquished in round 5, Season 2000.