Thursday 23rd January 2003 - Aliens Head Coach Obi Wan Kinobi has been putting the Aliens through an extremely rigorous pre-season - including a week long 'Bonding Camp' on Battlestar Galactica - and he couldn't be happier. "The creatures are super fit. Skywalker Hamill has been tearing Planet 666 apart - literally. As a result of his ferocity we now have two new continents on the planet. And Cruel Hand Luke has so far ripped 26 change-room doors off their hinges. I'd say they're pretty keen." Kinobi is also pleased with the progress of last year's boom recruit Luke Ball. "Yeah, he's coming along real nice. We had to keep him on ice last season because he was undergoing metamorphosis, but he'll be pressing for a place in round 1. As well, we think young Robbie 'Spud' Murphy is ready to step up, we're expecting more improvement from Nick 'The Greek' Dal Santo, and keep a watch out for 'Green Giant' Jolly. When quizzed about the 'middle group,' Kinobi was most enthusiastic. "Bode was great last year and we expect him to keep up that form. 'Shode' Schofield and 'Misty' Hayes are about to launch themselves into the elite ranks, and 'Highway' Hulme, having missed last season through injury, will make his mark." Kinobi then offered his thoughts on the upcoming season. "We will settle for nothing less than the Cup. We have a superb list of vicious players who are being fed raw bushranger meat. We are aiming to injure or kill the vast majority of our opponents."

Wednesday 6th November 2002 - At a glittering ceremony last night in The Grotto on Planet 666, Peter Bell was awarded the GA Young Trophy for Best & Fairest and the Lockett Medal for Leading Goalkicker. It was Tinker's second Young/Lockett double, following his dual success in 1998 and equalling the record of the immortal Libba who achieved the double in 1994 & 1995. In a bitter irony, Bell finished second in the Hall Medal - by one goal - as did Libba in 1995 (and again in 1996!) But nothing could take away from the celebrations as Bell was elevated to Legend-In-Waiting status, meaning upon retirement he will automatically assume Legend status, an exalted height currently occupied solely by Libba. Both awards represented a hat-trick for Bell, who also won a Young in '97 and a Lockett in 2000. The night ended with a Vulcan Gnojo Ceremony, where Bell had many large, steaming quinces balanced on his forehead while his team mates screamed blessings to ward off the hideous, evil, drooling demon Cooda.

Monday 12th August 2002 - The shit really hit the fan yesterday when Planet 666 declared war on the rest of the galaxy. The catalyst for the surprise move was the umpiring performance in the SFL Elimination Final, in which Aliens went down to arch-foe Bushrangers. In his press conference after the game, matchday coach Connolly refused to blame the umpires, lest he receive a fine from the commission. "It was those bloody Martians that Sheedy is always talking about," he lamented. "I wouldn't say we were crucified; more like disembowelled, beheaded, keel-hauled and then burnt at the stake." Club President Orson then took the microphone and amid a stream of indignant spittle and beer froth, spat out his declaration of war. "I've had it up to here!" he exclaimed, indicating his shoulder "with those Martians. They're fucking dead. And while we're at it, we may as well take out the rest of the galaxy. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got a lot of solar systems to annihilate. Thank you for attending." As Orson drew an automatic weapon and blasted his way through the press corps, Connolly returned to the microphone to pay tribute to the victorious team. "They were too good for us on the day, and we have already identified a few weak areas that will be addressed when next we meet. A hulking Klingon Berserker would be handy in the back pocket."

Late News. Club Secretary Exidor has confirmed that Earth is excluded from the galactic war declaration. "Who would we play footy against? The Triglobulates of Dimension 14? No, Earth stays, although we are still looking at a bit of selective destruction in the Carlton and Collingwood districts."

Friday 31st May 2002 - Aliens stunned the football world today when they announced they had dropped three letters from the name of the player formerly known as Jarrad Schofield. President Orson explained the dramatic move at a press conference on Planet 666. "Jarrad, through his great performances this season, has made the FP2 position his to keep. The Speculator is a pretty permanent fixture at FF and young Bode is doing a great job at FP1 in the absence of Highway Hulme. As a result, Jarrad received minor surgery during the week and had his F, I & L removed, and his E relocated. The Aliens full-forward line now reads - Bode, Croad, Schode. It's all about the cosmic balance you see. Does anyone know of a player who rhymes with Dal Santo?"

Monday 20th May 2002 - Aliens moved to top position on the ladder after thrashing perennial powerhouse Tigers in their Round 8 clash at The Den. It was a composed and powerful display from the team and augurs well considering Bell and Pavlich - who have been the engine room for much of this season - had quiet days. In their stead Croad rose to the occasion with 4 goals at FF, Darcy dominated in the ruck and the half back line of Hayes, Grant and Clement was magnificent all day. New boy Bode relished his chance in injured Hulme's forward pocket and Hotton, making a rare appearance in the absence of Biglands, showed why he is such a valuable back-up for many positions. Lappin at back and Schofield up forward continued their great seasons and both must be in early Murp contention. With players such as Whelan and Lynch not even able to get a game on the bench, Hulme, Kilpatrick, Ward and Biglands to return from injury, and youngsters Ball, Dal Santo, Jones and Murphy waiting in the wings, Aliens are shaping as a juggernaut that might take a lot of stopping come August.

Aliens Website News spoke with Shannon Grant straight after the big win.
AWN - That was a great game from the boys Shannon. Our stats man is working out the percentages at the moment, but it looks like Aliens will go top of the ladder.
SG - Really? Hot shit! (Yells) Hey things, we're top of the ladder!
The interview is delayed when a deafening cacophony of squeaks, grunts, chirps and howls erupts from the rest of the players.
AWN - Hayes, Clement and yourself seem to work well together across half back.
SG - Yeah, we've been together most of the year and we've become a team within a team. We all have our jobs - Misty does the dishing off on both sides, Froggy is the designated driver into the arc and I create the short double-back option when we're bringing in.
AWN - What???
SG - Buggered if I know, that's what the coach says we do. Personally, I'd prefer it if I took a pass from the kickout, short passed to Misty who handballs to Froggy who kicks to CHF. But I've gotta obey team plans.
AWN - Thank you Shannon.
SG - Klaatu Barada Nikto.

Monday 13th May 2002 - Aliens Sack Thomas. In a surprise move over the weekend, Aliens sacked Grant Thomas as Matchday Coach and installed Chris Connolly in his place. Even though Aliens have had a strong start to the season, the Match Committee made a recommendation to the Board that Thomas be replaced because of his continued use of the controversial Super Flood. Chairman of the Match Committee Darth Vader said of the sacking "He had to be eliminated. He didn't know the power of the forward side." President Orson also commented. "When the players started calling Grant 'Noah' behind his back, we thought it was time to act. Besides, we wear the red, white and black and it's traditional to sack coaches mid-season."

Wednesday 8th May 2002 - Aliens have been declared Public Enemy Number 1 by Bushrangers Football Club. In a move described by Aliens President Orson as "lamentable, hypocritical, covered in gravy but entirely predictable," Bushrangers Chief Craig Fauser declared that his club has had the least amount of success against Aliens. "They are simply too good; highly skilled, fit, disciplined. Shit, how can we ever beat them?" said Fauser. In reply, Orson stated "When the man's got a point, the man's got a point. And we reserve the right to completely misquote him."